Thoughts of the Moment

I have to admit I am a bit nervous. It’s been almost two months since I discovered that I have this brain tumor and it has been a roller coaster ride of a journey. Emotionally, I was scared and shocked at first. I obsessed over getting to know more about my condition through research and consultations with doctors. It became a way to cope with the fear because being more knowledgeable about it made the negative feelings subside. Physically, I am tired. After going to all the several doctors, back and forth between Manila and Singapore, I’m just glad that it’s all finally going to be over.

My parents and I arrived in Singapore last Wednesday. We met with my neurosurgeon, Dr. Ang the next day. I was glad that my parents became less worried about everything. It was then that they understood why I chose to have the surgery done in Singapore- Dr. Ang is well known in his field and SGH is a very reputable hospital where they know I will be well taken cared of.  On Friday, we met with an endocrinologist, Dr. Kek. He gave me signs of hope regarding my diabetes insipidus (DI) that it might be cured after the surgery, but no promises. This may require a miracle because the tumor already caused some damage to my posterior pituitary. The question now lies with whether the damage can be treated or heal overtime. It has been so bothersome to live with this disease, to feel so thirsty and urinate every so often.

Along with the consultation with Dr. Kek, my pre-admission tests were done last Friday as well. It was a whole morning affair, several blood tests and scans were administered just to make sure that I’m fit for surgery. Lastly, I met with my anesthetist where she interviewed me on my medical history and drug allergies. She also briefed me on what to expect for the surgery. As I knew of specific risks from my actual surgery (transsphenoidal), she added on to the list more of the common risks that come with any type of surgery. I wouldn’t want to worry you all with these as the chances of these happening are small with my surgery being non invasive.

An hour or two ago, I was trying to help my 6 year old nephew (my cousin’s son) go to sleep. Ellis kept holding my hand and didn’t want to let go. I realized that he was sad that he knew I was leaving to stay at the hospital for a couple of days. My cousin made up this story to tell him and his 8 year old brother that I have this seed (tumor) in my head and that I needed an operation to get it out or else I will turn into a fruit head! Ellis would put his hand on my forehead and feel for the “seed” but I told him that only the doctor can find it so he just had to pray for me. A while ago, I knew Ellis was worried for me. And I realized it was then that I felt legitimately scared.

I’ve come up with a list of things to look forward to for me to think more positively:

  1. Becoming an auntie to my brother and sister-in-law’s first child, Fiona Lynn
  2. Maybe going back to school to get my masters
  3. Being able to bake again
  4. Going out to see my friends without my parents worrying so much (had a 10.30pm curfew imposed since I’ve been diagnosed- would love to spend more time with friends once I’m better. I only had one weekend of rebellion before I left for Singapore when I went home at 2am *Shhh…*)
  5. Wearing the clothes I bought the other day so I can feel pretty 🙂
  6. Writing a legit food post on this blog, no more medical posts!
  7. My little brother’s return- I’m going to have my best friend and eating partner back!

Some of these things may not be huge things to look forward to (okay, maybe just #5). But they are important enough for me to stay strong and think positively. Even though my surgery is non invasive, it is still surgery (my first ever) and it is surgery for my brain. These things on this list and of course the people in my life really help me survive each day. No words can describe how much I appreciate every thought and prayer you all have given me! I know I will get through this because of all of you. THANK YOU!

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